Here we go...

I’ve been thinking a lot about starting a blog. I love reading them; most of them are real fountains of information. There are even a few that have inspired me, whether it was to be creative, try a new recipe or how to be a better person. But this is where I always stopped, because, quite frankly I had no idea how I could inspire anyone else. Now, I’m not doing the whole self deprecating thing, I just didn’t feel like my life was extraordinary enough that anyone could benefit from my wisdom. Then things changed.
Last year was the most difficult year of my life. Just typing that gives me mixed emotions, because as difficult as it was it taught me to truly appreciate just how amazing life can be too. Short version, I had to undergo two different major surgeries to have my reproductive organs and one ungrateful appendix removed. In between were a myriad of doctor’s appointments and countless procedures ending in “opy” and too many ultrasounds to count. During this time I was terrified, depressed, angry, and most of the time in denial. What I was not was inspirational. Until I went to a site for women that have had hysterectomies and posted my story, and questions I had about my own future. I went there looking for help and underestimated my ability to offer help to anyone else. I didn’t understand how just talking about it took the fear away, and sometimes it even made me laugh. I usually deal with fear by laughing at things; it takes the scare away if you can poke fun at it. But this time, I just couldn’t wrap my head around what was happening to me and I couldn’t figure out a way to laugh at my circumstances. I wanted desperately to think like I used to, and couldn’t figure out why my usual thought processes were failing me, now when I need them most. I ended up in a counselor’s office and he told me I had too many “negative thought patterns”. Here’s a negative thought, you’re an asshole Dr. Whatever, and I never went back. Okay, seriously, how can wanting to find the light at the end of this tunnel be negative? I just wanted to figure out what the positive was from all of this negative, because my belief system tells me that everything happens for a reason. Okay, reasons…where are you?
Flash forward to me trying to deal with a crazy little thing called Hormone Replacement Therapy, let me tell you something. Hot Flashes are tiny little moments of hell wrapped up in misery. They take your breath away and make you want to rip your clothes off and climb in a freezer. Once again I apologize to the stock boy at Jewel that thought I was molesting the ice cream; it seemed like a good idea at the moment. Anyway, at this point, I wanted estrogen like a crack head wants his fix. I was on a spray form, weird, but what do I know? Things were not getting better, and really felt worse. So I decided to go for a second opinion and went to see an endocrinologist. This appointment took a turn I really wasn’t expecting and before I knew it, he took away my spray…my lifeline. (Yeah, four days before I was hosting 30 people for Thanksgiving Dinner.) Turns out my blood pressure was dangerously high and he felt the estrogen could be to blame. Now I am off and running through the testing maze again and hoping at the end would be my prize, my estrogen. Everything came back as normal as he had hoped, but the blood pressure was still an issue. This is where I finally figured out the reason, the one I had been looking for all year. Being me, I made a shitty joke about my high blood pressure (this wasn’t new to me, I just forgot to tell him) and kind of alluded to the fact that I would be fine. He took my hands and looked me right in the eye (dramatic) and told me “You are in the highest risk category for your age to have a heart attack or stroke. Because you have no ovaries, you are at risk for cardiac disease (also a genetic risk), because of the HRT and your BP you are at risk for stroke, how do you want to die?” He has a way with words. But it stopped me cold and really made me think. My ovaries were bad for awhile, and weren’t providing my body with enough estradiol to keep my heart healthy, thus the reason for my fluctuating blood pressure. If I hadn’t gone through the surgery, I never would have thought my heart could be in trouble. I would have just figured the high blood pressure every now and then was genetic and nothing more. I have lost a lot through the course of last year, but what I have gained is the knowledge that I need to take control of my own health. I no longer have a choice, I need to exercise (cringe) and I have to watch my diet and think about a heart healthy lifestyle. This was my silent killer, but thanks to my bad lady parts, it’s now screaming at me…Take care of this! So, this is why I’ve decided to blog. I hope I can inspire someone else to take control of their health and to encourage my female friends to really pay attention to your bodies. Hormones are a powerful thing and when they turn on you, you’d better fight back because they pack a helluva punch. So now I’m starting to work out, and I hope you will laugh with me as I try to figure out this new unchartered area of my life and just what the heck a Precor is. If I inspire you too, well that would just be the icing on the cake. Damn, now I want cake.